Mega Road Trip --the opening scene

***sssshhhhh***

Scene 1

(Scene opens with a sock-wearing, beard-hoarding, bedraggled former reporter of a local newspaper crouched over his glass-topped kitchen table in a one-bedroom “flat” in northern Newfoundland)

Me: Are you listening?

Sir Richard von Pinkenbah Retractaclaw III: Meow

M: Seriously?

SR: What?

M: I knew we should have called you Gary.

SR: Fine

M: Good

SR: Get on with it

M: The plan is this:

SR: Thus

M: What?

SR: The plan is thus

M: (deep breath)

SR: I’m just pointing out that this and thus should be respected for their grammatical independence

M: Respected

SR: Yes. Respected

M: “ independence”?

SR: Yes?

M: Is this how the trip is going to go?

SR: Perhaps

M: Perhaps?

SR: Yes

M: Fine. The plan is thus:

SR: Better

M: We leave St. Anthony on Friday Jan. 27 and head to Corner Brook. From there we head to Port-aux-Basques to catch the ferry to Nova Scotia at 12:15pm on Saturday, Jan. 28.

SR: Ferry?

M: Yes

SR: You didn’t mention a ferry

M: Why would I?

SR: Courtesy

M: You’re a cat

SR: Speciesism still exists

M: (deep breath)

SR: Discriminator

M: From North Sydney we head to Antigonish in Nova Scotia. Should be there about 10.30pm

SR: I feel discriminate.

M: (deep breath) Discriminated

SR: What? Don’t my feelings count?

M: Of course they….

SR: WELL I DEMAND AN ANSWER

M: We are on an island

SR: And?

M: How do you think we are going to get off an island?

SR: First class

M: First class?

SR: Yes

M: I’m not flying you to Regina

SR: I want those seats, the ones that fold right back, the ones that have the little cup holders and a screen. I’ve missed Big Bang Theory ever since coming to Newfoundland. That lanky guy, the smart one, you know the one?

M: Sheldon

SR: Is it?

M: Yes

SR: Are you sure?

M: (deep breath)

SR: Ok, Sheldon. I like him

M: How about I show you the open road of Canada? How about a 5500km journey across Canada in nine days?

SR: Do I get my own TV?

M: No

SR: NOT ACCEPTABLE

M: You get your own TV

SR: Cup holder?

M: You can use mine

SR: Does that mean there are two?

M: Yes

SR: Can I have both of them?

M: No

SR: Speciest

M: Why do you need two?

SR: I may need to get drunk if I’m spending nine days with you